Follow me and don't look down. Forget you're high it's alright

[sidenote].
I have moved journals.

informalgoodbye  add me there

Now, go. quickly
<3 sincerely

So it's December. This short, almost ridiclous year is coming to an end. But Christmas is still yet to come. <3

c3. found our grad week house in Nags Head. It's precious and we are buying it tomorrow. I am completely excited and I can't wait to go, in 7 months of course. Our house consists of, Me, Molly, Heather, Roxanne, Nikki, Kristi, Rebecca, Jessie and Kenny. haha, so stoked.

all the girls are hanging out tomorrow night <3 except roxanne because she is working </3 ehh.


this ones for you:

This is the only lonely picture
waiting on my floor
littering my shore
this is the last true burning letter
given to a girl
written by a boy
living in a world created to destroy

but if i built you a city, would you let me
would you tear it down?

but there you go for the last time
i finally know now what i should have known then
that i could still be ruthless if you let me
but there you go and i'm not done
you're waving goodbye, well at least youre having fun
the rising tide will not let you forget me
forget me

the winter's setting in, to cover you in snow
..the rising tide will not let you forget me.

Remember, silence only makes them stronger.
<3 sincerely

d i s s a p p e a r.

there's a pain that sleeps inside.


l i v e.

do you know that everytime you're near, everyone else seems far away.


f o r g e t. or  f o r g i v e ?

i search through every place, every face, to search for the person that i need.


d i s s a p p e a r.

instead.

Lets just start by saying i've gained a thousand pounds from thanksgiving yesterday and im ready to be full for the rest of my life.

The family came up to Blacksburg to visit some of our old friends. We've been here since Wednesday night and tomorrow we are going to the tech/uva game and we get to sit on Beamers coaching bench because my dad bid at some silent auction. exciting? kinda.
However, Thanksgiving wouldn't have been the same without the massive snow piles coming from the sky while watching intently out the window. It was beautiful. Sad almost, that Chirstmas has come this fast. The year has truly come and gone and when reflecting on where I was a year ago this same holiday, I was in love and oh how it felt so good. Things have changed and one more Christmas home before moving to good old Currituck. Angry of course, but i am forced to call my new "home".
Virginia Tech is beautiful also. Except, it always is. Last night at dinner we ate with 2 professors from VT. I talked to them a lot about my application and grades, alumni and things. They said I had a decent chance considering everyone ever born in my family graduated from tech. I was hoping to see Sarah Lamay when I was up here, yet shes still at home. I do miss her..

I'm kinda ready to go home though. I miss all of my girls, yet c3 has a special way of keeping in touch regardless of where we are.
I miss amanda the most though. We enjoyed ourselves being sick together.
Speaking of, my strep is getting better, but my mono is getting worse. I dont think i'm going to be able to make it back to school before Christmas. I really want to be at school since my surgery is coming up anyways, but i dont think its going to work. Besides, I have to get better before Atlantic City, December 10th. We have nationals and it was going to be my last time ever cheering again. I have to do it actually, there is no choice. I NEED to get better. ehhh :(

I saw Polar Express today, it was really good. everyone go see it. go. now. goodbye.

these are a few of my favorite things..

Some of the c3. girls. <3

nikki, heather, molly, me and jessie?

words couldn't even explain how much I miss this.

mae-ellen, me, sheree, and katlin

and well this just breaks my heart.

i miss my best friend.


So, I'm down for the count and everything sucks. Listen.
+I have mono. for the third time.
_I have strep throat.
+I have surgery in 1 month.
_I wont be in school again until Feburary 1.2005.
+I hate all of this.
_I love my friends.
+I am extremely lonely.
_I love Justin and Kyle.
+I think Senior year is kinda almost over.

the way people associate within our lives is kinda crazy. people come in and come out, they go up and then they go down. they love you, yet they hate you. their angry with you, then you make them the happiest person in the world. they make things difficult and then they make them easy again. then once more they come in and come out, they go up and then they go down and so the story goes. on and on it goes, never really preparing themselves or us for that matter where their going to go. sad almost, considering no one ever really ends up as happy as the other. "why are relationships so hard", "because the only thing harder, is being alone". who wants to be alone anyways? yet how mnay people truly gain the courage to go after something they want. well how about the ones that actually do. they never really end up happy, just kind of let down. except you look around for someone and something better to blame other than yourself, yet you cant. you carry your fault within your own hands, walk away and pretend it never happened. then you continue on with your usual "natural" lifestyle and you run into those people again. the ones always passing through just when they feel like they should. like josh for instance. he always just comes around when he feels like the times right. except it's never right. it's just done, its over and its people like him that never leave well enough alone. people like that truly make you question yourself. are you strong enough? are you good enough? how much do we truly all deserve? well its a hell of a lot more than this life is willing to give us. im not unhappy i dont think, just more amazed at the way this life turns out sometimes. you think its ready to let you go, let you be happy, but its not. it's ready to keep you under its wing until someone has to come steal you away from it. so we sit, and we wait and we pretend like this anonymous person is coming soon. they aren't. they dont even know we're waiting. and how about when life throws you that trick where everything you encounter in your daily activity is somehow about you. you know, like when every song that plays on the radio relates to what you're going through or every tv show you watch is talking about exactly what it is your thinking? you feel like the world is out to get you and your not so private feelings. except when is the time right for that person to come along, lend you a helping hand and you be content with reaching out for it. i've reached out a time or two, only to find i was reaching for something that really wasnt there. these things going on in my life are far too real and overwhelming. im also beggining to realize that im doing a terrible job of pretending that i know what im doing and everything is on track and correct. who am i kidding? it's time to walk away from all of this. people are crazy, life is out of control and so am i. i just want something sturdy, but not just my friends. i want to feel happy just once. i want to remember what it feels like to feel so alive that you feel like your walking on sunshine. but the holidays are coming and everyone knows just as well that this time of the year is no time to be alone. yeah. so you can find me sometime wandering down some dark road never really knowing where im going. care to join me?

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
<3
and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it


This weekend: Beautiful with a hint of cold air that reminds of the winter nights that aren't too far from reality.

Hard to believe that Christmas is just around the corner. Thanksgiving is in 2 weeks, meet with the family, get in the holiday spirit... yeah thats typical.
However, I will be spending my Thanksgiving weekend at Virginia Tech for the UVA game. I'm completely excited and all the while hoping it will be my place that I call home next year <3

Do you ever wake up one morning and realize that all you've been working for is finally here? You get this feeling of  accomplishment, like all the things you've tried for turned out all right and everything seems okay. Everyone always told you it would, yet you just sturbonly brushed it off. Well I did that, I did that for a long time. I never thought I'd remember was it was like to feel so strong for myself and everyone else around me. I guess everyone goes through the stage of feeling lost and alone and the only thing that kept you sane were the countless friends beside you. Well I'm over it now, It's all done and all it is, is a past that well merely become a dangling memory. These tired stories of my past are over.

I have my first cheering competition of the season this year at Christopher Newport tomorrow.
FAME all-stars the main attraction, National Champions, Lights! Camera! Action!
(haha, I'm totally gay I know) But get excited.
After tomorrow  I'll only have 2 more and than my surgery isn't shy anymore. It's going to come attack me. Blahh.. I hate the doctors, not to mention the hospital. Whatever, we live and learn. This will all be better soon.
P.S. You ALL know where I live, everyone must come visit.


there's this boy...<?3

if life wasnt so full of unpredicatable things, where would the fun be? would it be more simple? yes. but it's half the part of growing up. i'll take the rest as it comes...

me and amanda went out tonight.
i feel like that's all i need to say. it just was. it was right.

i miss sheree. a lot. vcu never seemed so far away to me. unfortunate that she had to go, especially since we're all about to leave eachother in a year anyway. one year early just doesn't seem fair.
so i always wonder what's going to happen after we all graduate and go our seperate ways. everyone always says they'll keep in touch, yet the ocassional calls seem to become to fake.
my parents say, it's the friends you meet in college that will stay with you forever.
but what if i'm okay with the friends i have now? i guess leaving high school and graduating means leaving everything else, except for maybe the countless memories. again, this doesnt seem fair. so, i don't miss him anymore.maybe closure was all i really needed. just to know he felt half as bad as i have ever felt. maybe it was good to know he's sorry. yet, it doesn't make it better. i still won't ever forget how i felt that day.
so where do we go from here? is this the way we planned it? no.. not at all. i'm lost without a map, and what i'm supposed to do with us, i don't think i'll ever know. yet you don't either..things are just, invisible. this is hard.

so then what do i do with the other one?
he's changed. it's hard to even talk anymore.
but wait, he doesn't talk to me anymore. he dissappeared with a last "fuck you" to constantly remind me of everything that was left.
you've changed. i tried to make things better, i just wanted you to miss me the same way that i missed you.
i was such a fool for thinking you'd always be here.

--besides what are true friends if they stay around all the time?
whatever.

I mean, Is there anything funnier? Nope.

Yeah well your talk is the same cheap that it's always been. Get out. asshole.

Oh how I miss this boy <333
 

Night out on the cruise deck.

But not more than he misses me of course. haha

Dear Dustin.
And there is your dedication and your mere, "I miss you too". <33
You better be coming to visit soon. I'm holding you too it.
Sincerely, Me.